BB Muirfield Files
by VioletVision
Summary: AU-CrackFic: A secret sect of Muirfield agents have found Vincent, but find themselves in a dilemma when they turn into fangirls and fanguy. The rating is just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: BB Muirfield Files**

**Chapter 1: 1x01**

**Pairing: Catherine/Vincent**

**Genre: AU/ Crack Fic **

**Rating: R (to be safe)**

**Warning: Language and Violence**

**Spoiler Alert: S1 E14**

**Summary:** A secret sect of Muirfield agents have found Vincent, but find themselves in a dilemma when they turn into fangirls and fanguy.

**A/N:** This is CrackFic at its craziest. This is an AU world where Muirfield agents have found Vincent and Catherine. Everything they say is being translated in real time to a cooking site and posted as comments. Only one person sits back reading what they are really saying. Everyone else in the world thinks the site is ran by bots because the comments don't make much sense and are incoherent.

Chicken Soup….*Muirfield code translator engaged…translating* = Muirfield File 1x01

4 cups – tea goes in the bowl *translating* = Charlie5 – Target acquired.

2 eggs – beaten *translating* = Echo4 – Moving to intercept.

1 diced tomato – let stand *translating* = Delta6 – Hold positions.

Charlie – Repeat target is acquired.

Delta – Stand down.

Alpha – Do not stand down reengage ASAP.

Echo – Negative Alpha leader.

Charlie – I have him what is the hold up?

Delta – Civilians.

Alpha – Not civilians. Two cops. Collateral damage is acceptable.

Echo – She uuuuuhhhh is very pretty, and so is the tall one but in a different way.

Delta – I know.

Alpha – I don't care what they are. Take him out. Now! That is an order.

Charlie – What the frack is happening?

Delta – I don't want to risk this with JT in the compound. Can't we wait till the lady cops are done interrogating JT and all of them leave then we take care of Scar Boy.

Charlie – Don't call him that.

Delta – Why not? You got a thing for him Charlize?

Charlie – Don't use my real name damn it! Just don't talk about him like that.

Echo – Both of you stow it.

Delta – Shut it Edward.

Echo – Stop calling me that. You know I can't stand that people keep mistaking me for Sparkly.

Charlie – Edward Cullen is not a sparkly. He is vampire.

Delta – Hey Edd, you ever notice when Charlie talks about Sparkly she goes all Bill True Blood on us?

Charlie – Alright Danica sexpot.

Delta – Stop bringing that up. I go under cover as a model slash race car driver Danica Patrick for a couple years, and I get defined by my body. Yes, thank you for that.

Echo – I don't mind watching you in the field. I appreciate your body and your mind. I just think Catherine and Tess are both lovely in their own ways. Look…Cat is looking up toward the loft. Did she hear Scar Boy?

Charlie – No, I think she can just sense him and stop calling Vincent that.

Delta – Calling the puppy by his name are we?

Alpha – All of you shut the frack up and do your job. You are supposed to be professionals.

Charlie – I can't. I just can't.

Delta – I know. Hey Sparkly do the honors.

Echo – Roger that.

Alpha – Finally. Finish it!

Echo – I am.

Alpha – What are you doing? You are moving away from the target.

Echo – New target acquired. Taking the shot.

*splat*

Echo – Target down.

Charlie – Thanks Sparkly.

Echo – Stop calling me that. What's happening now?

Delta – Ladies are leaving, but Cat is stopping to look back.

Echo – ETA 30 seconds. Charlie where is Scar Boy?

Charlie – Looking down at her but she can't see.

Echo – Eyes on. No, but she does feel him watching or is it just me?

Delta – It's not just you.

Charlie – What do we do now?

Echo – We report Alpha was found in the field clashed by Scar Boy and that we are trying to reacquire target.

Charlie – He is a person so stop calling him that. It is just rude.

Delta – Ok, defender of all things Vincent. He does have a scar.

Charlie – It is not nice to label people by what makes them different. It would be like me calling you Lesbian Girl.

Delta – I like ladies, so what. Sparkly…I agree Cat and Tess are cute. They would make a great couple.

Echo – Yes. Follow them.

Charlie – Stop it both of you. No shipping Cat and Tess. The Beauty should end up with the well um Beast. We need to stay on target and follow Vincent.

Echo – You really shouldn't use his real name.

Charlie – They are getting in the car. I am not calling him Scar Boy. How about Broody Bear?

Echo – No.

Delta – Never.

Charlie – Fine.

Delta – How about what you said. Her code name is Beauty and his code name is Beast.

Echo – That works for me. Who does that make Tess?

Delta – Seriously? Did you see the way she went after those guys last week at the bar. She is Lumier.

Echo – Does that make JT the clock guy Cogsworth? We can call him Cog.

Charlie – I don't know what is worse. That we killed our Muirfield leader or that both of you know the Disney cartoon names.

Echo – Scar Boy.

Charlie – Ok fine!

Delta – Fine what?

Charlie – Beauty and the Beast.

**A/N:** Ok, forgive me…LOL! Heheheheheeeeeeeeeee I could not help myself. It is CrackFic! It can be crazy. Heheheeee I wrote this in like 20 minutes while thinking about Season 1 Ep 1 right before bed. I hope I dream this or the next part.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: BB Muirfield Files**

**Chapter 2: 1x02**

**Pairing: Catherine/Vincent**

**Genre: AU/ Crack Fic **

**Rating: R (to be safe)**

**Warning: Language and Violence**

**Spoiler Alert: S1 E15**

**Summary:** A secret sect of Muirfield agents have found Vincent, but find themselves in a dilemma when they turn into fangirls and fanguy. Now they must decide how many of their own agents they will kill to keep VinCat safe.

**A/N:** This is CrackFic at its craziest. This is an AU world where Muirfield agents have found Vincent and Catherine. Everything they say is being translated in real time to a cooking site and posted as comments. Only one person sits back reading what they are really saying. Everyone else in the world thinks the site is ran by bots because the comments don't make much sense and are incoherent.

Death by Chocolate….*Muirfield code translator engaged…translating* = Muirfield File 1x02

"Though the truth may vary this shit will carry their bodies to the morgue." *cracking sound mixed with sounds of two voices cheering* "Spray!"

"What the hell is happening?" Delta yelled over her com.

Echo ignored the question and spoke only to Charlie. "You know those aren't the real words to that song. It says something about carrying their bodies safe to shore not the morgue and I doubt the song cusses. And it is 'hey' not 'spray'."

"Seriously, I'm gone a couple of hours and now do one will talk to me?" Delta stealthily moved in the darkness toward the Vincent compound.

Charlie also ignored the question. "Not in my world. In my world, those are the words."

Delta tried another approach. "If Charlie is singing while sniping, there is no use arguing the words. It helps her take head shots."

"I can heeeeear everything you saaaaay." *cracking sound* "Spray!" *a body twirls in a circle with a yelling sound* Charlie tried not to tap her foot with the song as she sang.

"You're screeeeeeams all sound the saaaaaaaaame. Spray!" *cracking sound* Charlie adjusted her hold on her Seneschal Precision Rifle while watching Cat slip under the fence to Vincent's current home.

Echo finally answered Delta's first questions. "Agents found him again by following her. Charlie is taking care of it. I'm hoping might kiss or something. I put cameras in yesterday and JT I mean Cogsworth has not figured it out yet. I just want a hot VinCat moment."

Delta leaned slowly around a building corner. "How many?"

Echo responded. "Please note Charlie is not singing Another One Bites the Dust. Five targets down saving Scar Boy."

Delta, "Ok, so not that many. Roger that."

"Beast. You promised to call him Beast not Scar Boy…Sparkly." Charlie insisted.

Echo spoke with an edge to his voice, "Ok, fine. Just lay off the Sparkly."

The group of Muirfield agents that were talking watched as Catherine entered the building.

Echo finally gave in to curiosity. "Charlie. I know why you sing, but why do you shoot them in the temples?"

"Same reason why I shoot them in the arm sometimes so they spin or yell when my songs reference screaming in anyway."

"And that is?" Echo was not giving it up.

"I'm stuck here dealing with these stupid agents instead of being at home creating FanVids." Charlie responded with annoyance in her feminine voice.

"I have my eye vid com on, but I can't see them." Delta spoke in a panic.

"Switch to frequency Tango three niner." Charlie offered.

"Thanks. I thought I was going to miss any kissing. What is VinCat anyway?" Delta inquired as she picked up Catherine walking up the stairs.

"OOohhh Beauty gets major points for kicking JT's ass! Oh My Gawd did you see his face?" Echo exclaimed.

Delta shook her head. "That's not funny. Poor JT."

Charlie smiled. "And there will be no kissing right now, because Beast is not there. VinCat is well um Beast and Beauty."

Delta, "But you made it sound like he was there."

Echo, "So sorry. Look, she's leaving. Ok we have some time."

Delta started checking her supplies. "What you're not following her?"

Echo leaned back, "No. I'm tired of all the cop stuff where she works on these cases where the killers are obvious."

Delta moved to follow Cat. "But they are cops, they have to go by the evidence they have not who they think it is."

Echo. "Boring."

Charlie took some notes on things JT was doing and decided to tempt Echo. "Beast might show up."

An hours later:

"What the hell?" Echo yelled into the com device.

"That's what she said." Charlie watched Cat's lips and was writing down everything she said.

"Oh, Let he let her go. I thought he was going to hurt her." Echo let out a long breath as he perched on top of a building north of the position. "Here comes the other hot one. I'm starting to like the peripheral people as well. Ok I'm hooked, I'll start paying attention to the cop stuff too. Does anyone know who Other Hot One is dating?"

Charlie shook her head. "Stop talking about her like that. She has a name and we decided to call her Lumiere…Sparkly."

"VinCat arguing. They make it look hot. Hot." Echo commented.

"Lumiere is always helping Beauty. I think she likes her. You know. Likes her likes her." Delta pulled up her laptop and started Photoshoping pics of them together. "Yes. I think she does. CaTess."

Charlie took a deep breath. "It's not The Beauties. It's Beauty and the Beast. CaTess Issues much? That name makes them found like cat food or Egyptians."

"And you think that's better than VinCat. That sounds like a car's vin number." Delta countered as they made their way to Cop Central.

"Exactly. It is like a vin number where they are imprinted on each other." Charlie concluded.

Echo watched Cat walk into a room to talk to Evan. "Gaston on the scene. And, stop referring to everything using Twilight terminology. There's no imprinting going on."

Delta listened in on Evan and Cat's conversation. "He is not really a Gaston. I think he really does care for her, but he is afraid of commitment so he plays the field."

"A very large field." Echo snapped.

"That's not fair. Oohhh jealous?" Delta inquired.

"I just don't like him." Echo emailed an encoded message to Muirfield headquarters stating that they found several agents bodies in a river and guessed that Vincent found them.

"Yes, we know." Charlie added.

Thirty minutes later:

Charlie tapped her foot after getting to the new location. "Hey, Delta you should have taken this part of the assignment. Can you say Prima Ballerina?"

"Seriously? I'm now watching J…I mean Cogsworth teach class and you get ballerinas?" Delta fumed as she wondered how lovely the ladies must look.

"Yeah and Lumiere is helping her do a panty raid in one of the girl's rooms. I'll send you pics. They found a flower." Charlie walked through the building disguised as one of the ballerinas.

Couple of hours later:

"Where's the Beast?" Delta inquired.

"In the compound." Echo responded.

"I'm with Beauty her ETA there is ten minutes. You better start moving Delta." Charlie turned the lights off of her motorcycle.

"Not going this time. I'm following Lumiere. She just arrived at well not sure what to call him but Boss Man. Yes, Lumier arrived at Boss Man's place. I was hoping it was that cute girl in reception, but no I guess based on her tongue being down his throat that she is with Boss Man." Delta spoke in low tones as if she were sad.

"Where are they at?" Echo asked.

"Some cabin in the woods. I think it was his parents. I'll check the files we have on him. Oh yes, it was his parents and he told the wife he sold it. Bad boy. Well you can't blame him. He was actually lonely and depressed till Lumiere showed up on scene."

"Talking about showing up on scene. Everyone be quiet. Beauty just arrived and it looks like he might be going Beast." Echo ordered.

"He won't hurt her." Charlie offered.

Echo shook his head and set up a gun. "You can't know that for sure."

Delta spoke in wonder. "Are you going to shoot him?"

"Just a little. And only if needed." Echo responded.

"Over my dead body!" Charlie exclaimed as she moved toward Echo.

"What? You offering use of your body as a tripod for my gun?" Echo laughed.

Delta. "Both of you stop it."

"Why?" Echo and Charlie asked in unison.

"Not you two. Lumiere and the Boss Man stopped making out to fight about his wife. I thought I was finally going to get to see some action." Delta grumbled.

"Action. We've got action." Echo responded.

"What's happening?"

"Switch to eye vid com." Charlie spoke quietly. "They are standing in the rain together. Now he's helping her under the fence. They are um very close."

"Kiss kiss kiss kiss…" Echo chanted.

"In the cold rain? Are you stupid?" Charlie followed their movements into the compound.

"Great. Now J…I mean Cog and Beast are arguing. Maybe this is just the day for fighting. He is soooo not Team Beauty. Maybe we need to think about taking him out." Echo pondered out loud.

"NO!" Delta and Charlie yelled in unison.

"Well, then Charlie start singing because Red Shirt has a bead on Cog right now." Echo tapped coordinates into an encoded email to her.

"Damn it." Charlie checked the email then slowly squeezed the trigger. "Squish one to the head."

Delta left the fighting couple and moved to join the others. "I miss Star Trek and Firefly too."

"Serenity is my fav movie, but I'm glad that Sherlock guy will be in the next Star Trek movie. He's hot." Charlie took a deep breath. "Cog is secure. What's happening now?"

Echo sent out several email. "Nothing much just some back story about Beast's unit. I don't know why women find Sherlock um Benedict Cumberbatch attractive. I know I know. Smart is the new sexy. You don't have to say it."

*silence*

"You both hear me?" Echo asked feeling a little worried that the top dog at Muirfield found out what they have been up to.

"This is bad." Charlie.

"Very bad." Delta.

"What? What am I missing? Is it about the higher ups or that new ep of Castle?" Echo checked all his surveillance equipment.

"What are we going to do now?" Charlie sounded panicked.

"When the time comes all of us might have to start singing that annoying song about them biting dust." Delta spoke as if exasperated.

"Why?!" Echo grabbed his com device and shook it.

"Because. You know Beauty will not let it go. She'll start searching and you know who will be apprised of her activities." Charlie put her hands over her face.

Delta joined in. "They're going to come for her."

Charlie rocked back and forth like a child. "Beast will have to intervene and they'll have him. We can't just start popping them off if they have actual time verifiers tracking them while they move in. It would be too obvious. They're going to die. No happy ending. No Happy Ending!"

Echo finally realized what was going to happen in the near future. "Calm down. I'm sure that is not how it is going to end with one or more of them dead."

Delta became angered. "You don't know that. It has happened before. One of them dies."

Echo firmed his jaw before responding. "Then we help them save each other."

**A/N:** It is CrackFic! Heheheeee I just ate a few slices of pizza and typed this out quickly while the ep played. This is so much fun. Heheheee You are right this is Tumblr on crack. :) Reviews are love.


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